tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
