have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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