K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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