i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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