I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
