We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize