No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
