life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
