Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
