i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
