I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
