hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
