God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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