Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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