saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize