i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
