we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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