my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
