The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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