i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
