Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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