Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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