he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
