I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
