My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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