I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
