The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
