Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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