goodnight i made you a song goodbye
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So much rum. So many feels.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
