i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
