ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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