im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
