At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
