batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize