I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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