apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
barbara walters just said penis...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
