At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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