Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
