My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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