I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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