Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
