I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize