Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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