Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My dick has a subreddit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
