I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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