remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
