I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
