Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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