A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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