Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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