i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
