we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
organizing the empties. That sober.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize