Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
