If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
