I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A+ Viking dick
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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