Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
