Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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