a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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