We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
