then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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