Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize