Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
