i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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