Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize