Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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