im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
