When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
