nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize