I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
