I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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