he puts the penis in happiness.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
