hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
