turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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